Sexuality is a nature in us, as beings of life-energy, and, like every aspect in us, this nature also requires conscious balancing to ensure that we experience, and express, sexuality in a manner that’s aligned with wisdom along with enjoyment/appreciation of the same. As I’ve mentioned in the previous posts, there are 6 natures, or dimensions of thinking, in life-energy – Love, Joy, Hatred, Fear, Boredom and Sexuality. As a being, you cannot do away with any of these natures and finding an inner balance requires you to bring an aware understanding towards each of these natures, in you, and from this understanding let go of any imbalanced resistance/suppression, or over-identification, towards them, thus allowing for a balanced expression to become the norm.
The journey towards finding conscious balance is a very “personal” journey, and every “body” brings a unique challenge, or opportunity, towards finding this balance. It doesn’t matter how mature/enlightened you are as a soul (possibly having the experience of several lifetimes) you can still find it challenging to work with a human body, in conditions of physical living with other humans, especially when the body comes with its own imbalances (acquired from a gene pool) or when it comes with some specific physical make-up that makes it challenging to function within the “fixated” views of the society.
I get several emails and comments concerning the aspect of sexuality and sexual energy, and I would like to address some common themes here; this post would be mostly focused on gaining a balanced perspective/understanding of the various nuances of sexuality and the deal of finding inner freedom, and thus finding inner balance, towards sexual expression. Finding inner freedom is the foundation towards finding inner balance – without freedom you cannot align with wisdom, and without wisdom you cannot find a balance. When you are in a “bondage”, either out of fear-based suppression or over-indulgent identification, there is no space for wisdom and you are purely motivated, and pulled around, but your “imprisonment” – it doesn’t matter what excuses you make to justify it to yourself. And, this is true for all the 6 dimensions/natures in life-energy – you can be a prisoner to love, to hatred, to fear, to sex, to boredom or to joy. Finding inner freedom from all the 6 dimensions is the pre-requisite to finding an inner balance (and thus connecting with a balanced expression/experience of these dimensions/natures).
It’s very important to understand that inner freedom is just the “foundation”, it’s not supposed to be the “end-point” – a lot of spiritual teachings confuse people into believing that finding inner freedom is the end-point of some sort, and hence propagate some ambiguous pointers on “detachment” as some ultimate goal. Inner freedom is simply a foundation towards balanced living, it gives you the required “ground” to start enjoying the expression of your nature in a balanced manner.
The subject of sexuality usually entails the following aspects of discussion – sexual orientation/preferences, sexuality combined with relationships (expressions like monogamy, polygamy, polyamory and open-relationships in general), masturbation or self-pleasure, celibacy, kinks/fetishes, spiritual sex and sexual hang-ups.
Understanding sexual orientation
There is very common tendency to mis-understand sexual preferences with “relationship orientation”. For example, being gay/homosexual is not just a sexual preference it’s a relationship-orientation in a human. It’s very common for people to mis-understand homo-sexuality with bi-sexuality mostly because both the terms contain the word “sexuality” it’s assumed that both have to do purely with sexual preference, which is not really the case. Being gay is not just about sex, it’s also about emotions, it involves your “heart” – a gay person has the make-up to fall in “love” with another person of the same sex wanting expressions like emotional bonding, marriage, family, etc, just like regular couples (“Lesbian” in the true sense is a woman who is gay). A gay man/woman would feel the same tingling emotions of love, in his/her heart, towards a person of the same-sex, just as a straight man/woman would feel towards a person of opposite sex. Bi-sexuality, on the other hand, is simply an expression of sexual exploration based on curiosity, or need for an adventure or entertainment, as a preference. Just because you have a bi-sexual encounter doesn’t make you gay.
The fact is that all humans have the capacity to “explore” bi-sexuality, if they want to. They’ve even come up with a term for it called “being bi-curious” which means you are exploring out of curiosity to understand what it feels like. The human mind is naturally curious, and inquisitive, and it’s natural for it to feel curious about aspects of sexuality, and sometimes the curiosity takes the form of a real-life exploration. Of course the degree of inclination towards exploring bi-sexuality varies from person to person, just like how sex-drive varies from person to person. In many cases, a person with a high sex-drive is also someone who has a tendency towards exploring bi-sexuality as means of adding “diversity”, or variety, in their sexual experience, or simply as a means to get a new high – of course, this is not true for everyone with a high sex drive, it’s just a general tendency. Even if you have a high degree of inclination towards bi-sexuality it still doesn’t make you gay because you are relating purely from the aspect of sex and you don’t feel emotional love, or desire for an emotional relationship, with your sex partner – just to give an example, some men who explore bi-sexuality often state that they get grossed about cuddling (or even french kissing) with another man and they are only interested in the act of “raw sex” without the romance.
As I mentioned before, all humans have the capacity to explore bi-sexuality if they decide to do so – this means that you can develop an interest towards exploring some aspects of bi-sexuality in the future, even if you don’t have it now. It depends on many things like your curiosity, external influences like your friends or media (for example, if bi-sexuality is made popular in the media, then you will notice people exploring it more from the “fascination” of it), your circumstances (for example, men end up having sex with other men in conditional situations like being in a prison), your sex-drive, your beliefs etc. So, in that sense, bi-sexuality is an expression that may or may not be explored, depending on various factors. However, being gay doesn’t give you that kind of a choice. It’s ridiculous when some schools of thought seem to imply that being gay is a choice and that the people who are gay are “sinning”, or that it’s not “right”, and that they should use their will-power to starting desiring the opposite-sex – such statements imply a deep ignorance about human make-ups. And you don’t have to be gay to understand the makeup of a gay person, inspite of being a straight guy I have an understanding of how the make up of a gay person works purely through the attitude of “open observation” – an aware individual can easily obtain deep understanding about different make-ups, and mindsets, purely through the capacity to observe without judgement.
In fact, the sexual orientation and relationship-orientation dynamics of “transsexuals” is far more varied. Most transsexuals are bi-sexual (desiring sex with men and women, as well as other transsexuals) but their relationship-orientation is varied, some prefer relationships purely with men, some feel an equal emotional attraction towards men and women, some are only attracted to other transsexuals, while some have no specific preference with respect to the sexes. One can imagine the challenges of being in a transsexual body where you have to navigate purely on your own self-understanding along with handling the constant pressure of being different from the majority. You can see how the aspect of sexuality, in a human body, can allow a soul to have the experience of growing in self-awareness and developing the courage to stand true to one’s individuality in the midst of pressure to conform.
To ridicule someone for their sexual orientation, or sexual preference, is rooted in a lack of awareness about human makeup, and also a lack of open-mindedness towards the fact that we are diverse in expressions. Life is all about diversity of expression and experience, it doesn’t follow a redundant path rather a path of varied expressions. To be cynical, fearful or intolerant towards diversity, and differences, in others, puts you in a “karmic relationship” towards that aspect, in that you will then need to go through a similar expression in order to balance your perspective (for example, a person who has a lot of hatred towards homosexuals may end up being born homosexual during another incarnation just to understand that aspect and also to experience what it feels like to be on the receiving side of the hatred/intolerance). An inner freedom is about having a deeper perspective towards all the various expressions of life-energy, in all its diversity, without developing a narrow judgment about it. Of course, some imbalanced expressions need to be controlled/curbed through external regulation in the name of wisdom (for ex, expressions that curb on the freedom of others, like rape) purely from a place of being objective.
One may question if pedophilia (desiring sex with a child) is a sexual orientation, or a preference, or if it’s just an imbalanced sexual expression. The way I see it, a child is someone who is yet to have a clear sexual awareness, who is yet to have the physical/mental ability to make “independent choices”, and hence, for an adult, to involve a child in a sexual act is purely an act of “force”, and thus is an act of exploitation. In a state of balance one does not partake in actions that exploit others, and hence pedophilia, from this perspective, is an imbalanced sexual expression – I don’t see it as a sexual orientation, it’s a preference that’s rooted in imbalance. Of course, it’s true that in the animal kingdom pedophilia is a common occurrence, especially among certain species like pigs, but that doesn’t make it a balanced act, in fact a lot of imbalances exist in the animal kingdom because of low-awareness functioning. A human-being functioning at the level of an animal (without the capacity for deeper emotional intelligence), purely driven by physical drives, is prone to imbalances, and his/her actions would need to be regulated through external force (like law and order), in the name of wisdom, for the sake of maintaining harmony and protecting the freedom of others.
Whatever be your sexual orientation, or sexual preference, you must understand the basic principle of balanced living which is that you can’t force your will upon someone – non-censual sex is an act of severe imbalance.
Sexuality combined with relationships
When I use the term “relationship”, in this context, I am referring to the one involving an emotional bonding (a heart connection). An ideal situation would be to be in a relationship with a partner who has similar (or close to similar) sexual nature as you do unless you are willing to “adjust” with the requirements of your partner as a conscious choice on your part. A lot of sexual frustration can ensue when you are in a relationship with a partner who does not share similarities with your sexual nature – for example, if you have a low sex drive and you find yourself in a relationship with a partner who has a high sex drive it can easily lead to feelings of resentment, while also being interpreted as a lack of love or care. Sexual compatibility does play an important role in ensuring a harmonious “monogamous”, long-term, relationship.
Of course, not everything in life fits into the “ideal” bracket. It’s very possible that you feel an emotional bonding with your partner (and possibly even a sexual compatibility) but also desire to explore sexual expression with others. Under these conditions it can be a very difficult decision to make on whether to pursue your desire for polyamory (multiple sexual partners) at the cost of ruining the emotional bonding you have with your partner, or to let go of this desire as a conscious choice towards cherishing the value of the emotional bond that you’ve found. Balanced decisions always involve an understanding of the light and dark nature consequences of following through with them – remember that every reality is bound to have a light side and a dark side, there is no reality that’s exempt from it because this is the very nature of life. Of course, to make balanced decisions you need to have a sense of inner balance; from a mindset of imbalance you are more likely to choose temporary “joy” over long-term wisdom. To let go of a certain desire, in a bid to cherish a more important desire/priority, is not really a sacrifice/compromise it’s just a part of living from conscious balance. The fact of life is that you can’t have it all (that would be too light-natured), you will always have to function from understanding the limitations of a choice, and every choice comes with its own set of limitations.
Also, in a state of balance you will naturally always stand true to your sense of integrity and responsibility – this sense of operating from values is an essential nature of anyone who’s operating from a place of inner balance. From the place of integrity you will not choose to do something in the “hiding” where the hidden information can have an impact on the decision/preference of the person involved. For example, let’s say you are a married guy, and you make the choice towards being polyamorous, now, from a place of integrity, it would be important that you convey this choice to your spouse, simply because your choice is bound to affect her decision on whether she wants to continue staying with you or not – it’s possible that she may be okay with you exploring your choice, or she may ask you to make a choice between being with her or pursuing polyamory, or she may leave you shocked at the very idea that you contemplated such an option, whatever be the outcome the deal is that you are not “cheating” on her by keeping your choice hidden. Of course, you don’t have to declare your choice to all your friends and family, since your choice does not directly impact them, but it does impact your spouse’s decision to be with you, so in the interest of integrity it’s important to convey it to her.
One can argue – “what if my partner has a low-awareness level and hence is incapable of understanding my choices, does it not make sense to pursue my choices in the hiding to ensure he/she does not get hurt or does not leave me because of his/her narrow thinking?”. It’s a question of perspective, and I can only provide my perspective on this, and the way I see it is that, if maintaining a sense of integrity is important to you then there is no getting around the fact that you need to disclose your choices if it’s bound to affect the preferences/decisions of the other person involved. To do something in the hiding, from this person, is what “cheating” is, and cheating can never be an act of integrity irrespective of what your justifications are for it. Of course, I am talking about the things that you do while being in the relationship, the things that you did before the relationship are not really accountable, and you need to use your wisdom on whether you want to disclose all aspects of your past or not – what you were in the past may not be the person you are now, and hence the past doesn’t have as much value/relevance as what you are doing in the present. The deal of reality is that a relationship that lacks integrity eventually loses its spark, its connection and bonding, you can call it the “karmic influence” or simply a subconscious sabotaging.
There is also a question of “responsibility” and, in truth, it falls along the line of integrity. Some decisions are just evidently irresponsible under a given situation. One needs to have a balance between being selfish and being self-less, in other words, one needs to have a personal commitment while also being balanced in a commitment towards the outside well-being. A balance between being selfish and self-less is a part of inner balance/wholeness, and is an essential pre-requisite for being responsible without being victimized. You are not here purely for the purpose of “enjoyment”, you are also here for developing values, for growth and for finding balance. Enjoyment is an aspect of light-nature which needs to be balanced with aspects like staying true to integrity and responsibility which can be labeled as the dark nature (like a spoiler for the drive towards indulgence). We all have a sense of what’s the “responsible” thing to do, more so in the state of growing awareness, and in some cases what’s responsible may not be what’s “enjoyable” in that moment, and one needs to develop the balance to incorporate this aspect of living in oneself. A simple thumb rule would be that if your action is creating “undue” suffering for someone then it’s very possible that it’s lacking the essence of responsible behavior.
A lot of these “positive thinking” or “get what you want” (using law of attraction et al) type of teachings seem to focus too much on the selfish aspect and very little on the other-side of balanced perspective (requiring a self-less aspect) thus giving a skewed picture on living purely for the sake of enjoyment at all costs, thus creating an imbalance towards light-nature which is bound to create consequences imbalanced in dark nature. There is a difference between “wholeness” and living purely for “bliss/joy” – wholeness is a balance between the light and dark, whereas the term “bliss” implies an imbalance towards light nature. In terms of sexuality you can pursue any preferences that you may have in terms of monogamy, polygamy or open relationships, provided that you also integrate the essence of integrity, and responsibility, while working on a conscious choice based on understanding the light and dark consequences of your actions.
Understanding the deal of masturbation or self-pleasure
There is a lot of stigma attached around masturbation owing to some fear-based, or narrow, teachings propounded from a place of feeling guilty about pleasure. The fact is that in the state of imbalance one is bound to have an inner conflict between light and dark nature aspects in oneself – the dark nature, in you, seems to be in conflict with the expressions of light nature and vice versa. This is the reason for feeling guilty about pleasure. Of course, guilt can also be an indication of feeling circumspect about an imbalanced behavior that you may be indulging in – so, one has to see the guilt in its right context. Guilt does not always mean that you are doing something wrong/imbalanced, it could also stem from some narrow beliefs that you may be holding. The most common reasons why people feel guilty about masturbation are
- Holding onto to some narrow beliefs expounded by conservative religious teachers
- A natural sense of conflict between the dark nature in oneself towards the light nature of indulging in pleasure (feeling bad about enjoying the pleasure)
Though over-indulgence is a problem, masturbation by itself is simply one of the means of enjoyment and entertainment available to you as a human being. In fact, people who have a healthy mindset towards masturbation are also the ones who have a better experience of sex, where they are aware of their pleasure points and don’t hold hang ups about their sexual nature. Also, from an objective point of view, it makes sense to relieve your sexual tension through masturbation than to indulge in an irresponsible sexual encounter driven by the over-dose of suppressed sexual energy. Also, this whole sense of guilt around masturbating, while being in a relationship, stems from a “black and white” thinking that masturbation plays “second-fiddle” to sex with your partner – in truth, the experience that you have while masturbating is very different from the experience of having sex, and each has it’s own value towards your sense of enjoyment and entertainment.
The discussion of masturbation also brings with it question of the use of sexually arousing content like pornographic literature or porn images/videos. There is very little opposition to sexual literature, but there’s definitely a lot of diverse opinion regarding the use of porn images/videos for the sake of masturbation. If there are movies made for romance (love element), movies made for action (hatred element), movies made for comedy (joy element), there are also bound to be movies made for sex and it’s a personal preference on whether one wants to use this form of entertainment. Of course it’s true that there is a lot of exploitation, and abuse, that goes on in the porn industry, especially in the unregulated sectors, and one does need to bring strident regulations, and better management, in this industry, to ensure that there is no exploitation or unhealthy practices that stay prevalent – in a well regulated industry, the performers should be strictly adults who are consenting to do so without being forced against their will. It’s a profession in its own right, with the performers making money from it, and it’s also an expression (there are people who like to share their sex videos, on the internet, purely for the sake of getting a kick from it). The stigma that’s attached to watching porn, or judging people for watching porn, is narrow in it’s own way – it’s just one form of entertainment, and, as long as it’s not made into an imbalanced pre-occupation, is innocuous.
Addiction of any form stems from a place of imbalance – be it addiction to porn or addiction to sex, or addiction to work, or addiction to love, one is not different from the other. It’s also true that watching porn can create some deluded perspectives in the mind of an immature person – for example, expecting your girlfriend to be like a porn-star is just deluded thinking, or for a girl to expect the guy to be as a hung as a porn-star is bound to create disappointments, it’s important to understand that porn caters to “fantasy”, and performers are hired to cater to fantasy. Real-life bodies, real-life sex and real-life “moves” are very different from what you fantasize about, everything comes with its light and dark, there are no “perfections” in real life – you can only imagine/create perfections in your fantasy world.
Also, there is a common tendency to feel threatened if your partner, in your relationship, has the inclination towards using porn for self-pleasure, now and then. The insecurity comes from imagining that your partner is more attracted to the porn-stars than to you, or that he/she is comparing you with the porn-stars and finding you “lesser” in some way. The truth is that, if your partner has an iota of maturity, he/she would know the difference between fantasy and reality, and hence would not draw a comparison between a porn-star and his/her real-life partner, moreover, to use porn for visual stimulation has nothing to do with “attraction” towards the actors performing in it – just like a painting can visually stimulate your sense of aesthetics, a porn movie can visually stimulate your brain’s sex centers, it’s just sexual entertainment – it has nothing to do with real-life attraction. And if you find that your partner has the immaturity of not being able to distinguish fantasy from reality, then you have deeper issues to address than just his/her porn watching deal.
There is also the valid point that porn leads to the objectification of women (and possibly men also), or rather just the propagation of an imbalanced view of humans as being “sex objects”. Someone who is immature can easily come to such deluded conclusions based on the depiction in porn – for example, a guy who has had very little real-life interaction with girls can start objectifying girls as sex objects based on how they are depicted in a porn movie, thus becoming disconnected with the reality that in real-life we are “human” with human emotions and multi-faceted personalities, we are not sex robots (which is what porn usually depicts as a “fantasy”). In fact, the media plays a vital role in shaping the perspectives, and it takes some maturity to be able to differentiate skewed perspectives from reality-based perspectives. Again, it’s about having the maturity to differentiate between fantasy and reality. Enjoying some fantasy-based entertainment is fine as long as you understand it’s just fantasy-based, instead of drawing real-life perspectives from it. In fact, a lot of regular movies are fantasy-based, real-life romances don’t always work that way, however they are made purely for entertainment and for catering to some requirement in use to escape reality (for the relief of it), and there is nothing wrong with it as long as it’s seen in this context – the same holds true for porn, it just takes a maturity to not get deluded or imbalanced by it.
Just to add a pointer, if you are deeply offended by the very mention of porn, it could indicate a certain hang-up you might have towards sexual nature, possibly you have this “good boy/girl” stigma attached to yourself, based on some conditioning or upbringing, which has become a form of a hang-up. If you don’t want to watch porn it’s your preference, but don’t make it a harsh judgment on someone who does enjoy it in a balanced manner. Of course, there are imbalanced aspects to watching porn, just as there are imbalanced aspects to everything in life including being in love. The deal is to bring balance, and thus a maturity, towards the expressions, and experiences, that you entertain in your life. To be close-minded is as much an imbalance as it is to be recklessly indulgent – being open-minded is not a license to become over-indulgent, in fact one has to be even more responsible/conscious when one is open-minded so that one does not end up using the inner freedom as an excuse towards imbalanced behavior.
The deal of Celibacy
Some beings are attracted towards practicing celibacy either because they are bored of sex (possibly through several lifetimes of indulgence) or because they naturally feel drawn towards focusing their energy on some specific creative (possibly spiritual) goal and thus want to conserve their energy. In the post – Channel your sexual energy – I talked about developing the capacity towards “containing” your sexual energy without feeling pulled around by it. This is needed to develop a sense of power (stemming from inner freedom) towards your own sexual energy, where you don’t feel like a prisoner to it when it arises in you. However, this was not a pointer towards completely abstaining from sexual expression/release, in the form of sex or masturbation – it was just a pointer towards developing an inner freedom towards the movement of sexual energy in you, through the state of openness/allowing, by no longer fighting it, and no longer being totally identified with it. Once you develop this sense of inner freedom, you can work towards a balanced sexual expression that’s aligned with your personal sexual make-up.
Some people might feel “asexual” (sometimes called “frigid”), in that they may sense no sexual feelings, in them, at all. Of course, sexual nature is present in every living being, however it’s expression may get suppressed fully or it may not find an expression due to lack of exploration. Some people who feel “asexual” might just not be exploring aspects of what excites them – it’s possible that they get excited by some fetish or a certain kink, and their sense of guilt, or lack of awareness, causes them to disconnect with it. Abstaining from sexual activity is not some “evolved” state of being. Sexuality is a nature of life-energy, and this can’t ever be removed. In that sense, abstaining from sexual expression is, at most, a temporary practice that one may indulge in for specific reasons. Celibacy has nothing to do with being enlightened.
The deal of kinks and fetishes
A sexual kink is basically a desire for a “non-normative” sexual activity to further one’s pleasure, gratification or sense of adventure. The only way to define “non-normative” sex is to use it as an umbrella to consider everything other than the “plain old sex”. Some examples of sexual kinks are – role-playing (for ex, the partners might dress up, and act, like a slave and king), a variety of BDSM (playing out scenarios of bondage, play-acting domination and submission, indulging in masochism like spanking or mild electric shocks), cross-dressing (man dressing as a woman, or woman as a man), dirty-talk, public sex, mutual masturbation, rituals etc. Of course, one can have kinks even with respect to masturbation like using sex-toys of different kinds or cross-dressing or even cross-visualizing (where a straight man visualizes himself to be a woman in an act of sex, while masturbating, and vice versa). A sexual fetish is also “non-normative” sexual tendency, but this term is more specifically used to define sexual link-up with a certain “object” or a certain body-part, where a person finds it difficult to get aroused (or get-off) without either thinking/visualizing about it or having it present – for example, fetishes can be towards objects like foot-wear, latex-wear (like spandex etc), rubber, fur, leather, ornaments, piercing or towards certain body parts like feet, navel, under-arms etc. In a lot of ways fetishes are a subset of kinks just that they are very focused on the “objects”.
Sexuality is a nature that’s open to a lot of creativity (after all sexual energy is the essence of creative nature) and hence you see varied forms of expression in this nature in all creations of life including humans. If you don’t have sexual hang-ups, there are several ways in which you can bring a creative “freshness” to your sex-life, of course in many cases you may also need a willing partner so it makes sense to look for someone who has a good level of compatibility with your sexual nature. If you have certain kinks, or fetishes, it’s best to find a partner who is compatible with it, or someone who is open to it – to be with someone who is constantly judging you for your fetish, or kink, can be an exercise in frustration. Of course, the only reason you would end up in such a situation is when you are in resistance to your own “interests”, where you either feel guilty about it or ashamed of it. It’s important to understand that if you have a certain “interest”, or inclination, and if it’s not something that infringes on the rights of others (and is not harmful to your well-being), then it’s something you should be willing to explore in some way as it’s a part of the expression that this body was designed to have.
There are two terms which are used in the BDSM community – SSC (safe, sane and consensual) and RACK (risk aware consensual kink). There is nothing wrong with enjoying certain dark natured sexual activities like play-acting domination or indulging in some masochism (getting aroused by the pain), it’s just a preference, and what sexually excites you is unique to you, what’s important is to have a sense of awareness about your actions to ensure that you are operating in a state of wisdom. Wisdom dictates that you ensure that your kink/fetish is within the safe-limits, while also making sure that you don’t end up victimizing someone who is not a willing participant in your kink – it’s very important to ensure that your partner is fully willing to participate in the kink, and is not doing so under pressure from you (or to seek approval of you). Also, it’s wise to not discuss your kinks, or fetishes, with someone who lacks an openness and may not understand it (in the section below I discuss “sexual hang-ups”, the last person you want to discuss a kink with is a person with a sexual hang-up) unless you like being termed “weird”.
The deal of spiritual sex
People who have done astral projection (where you, as a soul, consciously step out of your body and travel in the non-physical realm), or who have had out-of-body experiences, mention that sex happens even in the non-physical, and this is in tune with the fact that life-energy has a sexual nature – be it in physical form or non-physical form. Sex in the non-physical happens in the form of sexual energy exchange between souls, it’s a different experience from the physical aspect of sex where the senses can take over the feeling of energy movement. I am not into astral projection and so none of this is my personal experience, this is just something that resonates with me when I read the accounts of people who are into astral-projection and out-of-body experiences. There are practices like “Tantra” which work on the similar principle of focusing on the exchange of sexual energy without requiring physical intercourse – again, I have little, or no idea, about these practices, and have no interest in them either, however, if the idea of it intrigues you then it’s definitely something you can explore, as it has the capacity to deepen your awareness of sexual energy.
The way I see it, as long as you are physical you may as well explore, and enjoy, physicality – you will have plenty of time to explore your non-physical aspects after you die. This is the reason why I don’t feel any real interest in trying to explore non-physical experiences, like astral projection, out-of-body experiences, deep meditations, spiritual drugs or spiritual sex. Of course, it’s totally fine to indulge in spiritual experiences, while being physical, if that’s what you find interesting, but don’t do it because you think it’s some “higher” way to be – it’s just another experience. Of course, you do need to have an openness in your being, where you are not totally lost to the physicality, so that you have access to the wisdom/guidance coming from your non-physical space – this balance between physical and non-physical is necessary to be rooted in wisdom, however it doesn’t make any sense to try to detach from aspects of physicality while you are physical. Some people seem too eager to go back into the non-physical instead of understanding that there is a reason why they choose to come forth into the physical realm, mostly for the purpose of “growth” that may be required in them, which can be had, more quickly, through the opportunities provided in this realm.
Sexual hang ups
Like all natures in life, sexual nature also has a light and dark dimension to it (dark doesn’t mean negative, it’s just a label to reference the polarities – yin/yang). Some people, especially the ones who have some imbalances towards light nature, have certain hang ups towards the dark side of sexuality – basically they are stuck up on the “I am a good boy/girl” label, so stuff like dirty talk, kinkiness, fetishes, role-play, rough sex (also called caveman sex), mutual masturbation or anything that requires sexual overt-ness feels deeply uncomfortable or even shocking to them. They also have a certain “prude” attitude towards sexual behaviors of other people. Or, they may truly want to be overt/open in their sexual expression, and they might have some kinks or fetishes that they would love to explore, but they are afraid of the “bad girl/boy” label, or what’s called the “slut complex”. This form of a hang-up prevents them from connecting fully with their own sexual energy (especially the dark nature of their sexual energy). When your sexual energy is “stuck up” you are likely to attract someone who has a similar issue, basically the end result is sexual frustration and dissatisfaction. People who are sexually stuck-up have this sense of fear towards people who are open/aligned with their sexual nature, and they find security in finding someone who is equally stuck up – they are just seeking security towards their hang-up.
Sexual stuck-up-ness is unattractive per se, it closes down your charisma/magnetism in a huge way. A lot of men, and women, are afraid of being open about their sexual nature, and are sometimes even “apologetic” about it, mostly because of the “good girl/boy” complex that they hold on to – they may be considered “polite”, or even cute or nice, but they are never going to be attractive. The magnetism needed to evoke attraction is largely present in your sexual nature, if you are closed down in your sexuality you are very unlikely to evoke the primal attraction in the opposite sex (or same-sex depending on your orientation). Also, to have good sex it’s very important to be “communicative” while having sex, letting your partner know what you want, what you are feeling, what you would like him/her to do, instead of just hoping that your partner gets it right. Of course, if your partner gets offended by your open communication you get to know that he/she has a sexual hang-up (reg flag alert).
I am not suggesting that everyone needs to be kinky while having sex, it may not be your style and that’s fine. It’s just that you need to be authentic with yourself about whether you are holding back on your sexual nature. Some of the behaviors present in people with sexual hang ups are as below
- A sense of uprightness about their “good girl/boy” self image, being uppity and looking down upon people who are sexually open
Feeling embarrassed while talking about sex, using “metaphors” (like birds and bees) instead of being straight-forward – again stemming from the “I don’t use dirty words” aspect of the “good girl/body” syndrome
- The tendency to not enjoy self-pleasure/masturbation, feeling guilty about it or feeling ashamed of it
Feeling intolerant towards sexual behavior in other people, like their kinks or fetishes. Lacking an openness to understand that different people have different sexual proclivities and find different things sexually entertaining
- Feeling jealous, or insecure, about their partner appreciating the sexiness of another person (people who are comfortable with their sexual nature are usually not jealous of the sexiness in others; they also understand that it’s normal to feel sexually aroused/excited by the sexiness in someone, so they don’t judge their partner for it)
- The inability to enjoy “sexual fantasies”, feeling that if they fantasize about something then they might do it in real life. For example, a woman, while shopping with her husband, at a mall, might have a sexual fantasy about a hot sales guy there and feel deeply guilty/shocked/offended at having such a fantasy in her mind, feeling that she might want it in real life or that she is being unfaithful because she had that thought. In truth, fantasies have nothing to do with real life, they are just imaginative projections of your mind – there are no boundaries to thoughts but there are boundaries to how reality works. Enjoying fantasies, in your mind, or enjoying some fantasy-based entertainment, does not mean that you would be inclined towards it in real life.
Even beyond these behaviors, there is something very obviously “closed” about people who have sexual hang-ups. Their energy seems to contains aspects of hidden anger, insecurity, touchiness, defensiveness, mostly stemming from the inner frustration of being so suppressed.
Connecting with inner freedom and balance towards sexual energy
Freedom is a pre-requisite to balance. Without having a sense of inner freedom, from a certain nature, you cannot bring a balance to it. So, the foundational step is always about finding inner freedom. The way to find inner freedom is through the state of allowing (or rather “inner allowing”), which means that you are neither suppressing nor being overly identified towards the nature until you sense that you are no longer at the mercy of it. For example, if you consider the nature of “fear”, the way to attain inner freedom from it is to allow the energy of fear fully in you, in the form of thoughts and emotions, without suppressing it or getting “influenced” by it (identified with it), just staying in an openness, or surrender – this openness will allow the energy of fear to start balancing out in you, on its own. It’s the same for sexual energy also. For a while, you will just need to work on the state of openness until you sense that you are neither fighting this energy nor are you at the mercy of this energy – this is the perfect foundation to start exploring what you would like to express, and experience, using this energy.
It does take some courage, and receptiveness, to be willing to let go of clinging to your pre-conceived notions, of your rigid beliefs, of your mental stances, of your hang ups, and just be open. For example, if anything in this post is “offensive” to you, or if it makes you uncomfortable, it’s a good place to work on the state of allowing instead of getting identified with your mental stance. What makes you uncomfortable is usually an indication of where your growth might lie in terms of developing an openness in your being. Once you truly have an openness you can make choices on how you specifically want to experience, or express, aspects of your nature – you will then be moving from a place of wisdom, and self-understanding, rather than from a place of hang-ups, fears, narrow thinking and delusions.